French Kisses Of Sapphire-berries Happiness

One can go there entire life in search of happiness to never if it. Simply to died and then live in happiness. Many don’t understand that you must first be able to make ur self happy before another person can. Make sense? Some days I wanna vary/change and wish I could be someone else. Love like no other person and be a person that she would want me to be but that would make her happy. Not me. I want my goods to out weight my bads. Must love myself more than others think they can. More than a mother will love their only child. I walk around defeated to only walk in circles searching for happiness to only be blinded. Sometimes my days are more problematical than others but it’s the best once found. But permanent/everlasting happiness is the key. Is there a such thing? What is the answer, where’s the holy grail of happiness, shit is there 1? Drinking, smoking, eating, sleeping, having sex, going out may work for some people but it’s only a temporary feel of good. Just for the moment. Not what I’m looking for. I don’t wanna crash or collapse again. Don’t wanna be wreck less. Gonna take control of my life and ride it to the wheels fall off and then buy new set. I guess there’s a point that every1 get to, kinda like a stand still. Not really a fork in the road but more like a stall out in life. A point where it seems like life starts to mirror and duplicate itself. I stray/drift and wonder. I call for more then what’s inside, but life it’s just that life. And like normally it gets rub in ur face seeing others who have what you want. I’m not sure but I feel that a person should not live their life just looking for happiness, cause u just may died unhappy. I also don’t want to give in. I guess a break from my exploration is what’s needed, sometimes. But it’s a fear that keeps a person wondering bout his or her happiness. I want to observe stars and sit back and I wish I was one of them. My own lil cluster. Just cause u see a person everyday and they have a smile on doesn’t mean that they are truly happy. People wear smiles but u know when a person has a genuine smile. U can judge a book all dam day but it’s when u open it and read/flip thru some pages that’s when u find out what lies beneath. I have a big smile shown to all of my friends but to others they may see a small smirk/ or me walkin with my head down(in humble) not lookin into many eyes. I have my days just like others but sometimes I have more bad then good. I do every once and a while stop and stand still and watch the world turn without me. Sometimes I race and finish my year before earth. But at the end of the day where is this happiness. I’m looking for something but have no idea of what it looks, smell, taste, sounds like. I’m not one who gives up. I do smile while typing this note cause I look forward to that day. The day when I please myself. Me….Sean can only make Sean happy. Not a girl nor new pair of Jordan’s. Not a car or house. And dam sure not money. If u know me then u know that my last dollar is yours if u need it. But my struggles and trials are mine and only Sean’s. That’s where I’m egocentric and selfish. Ever wonder if u walked past happiness or didn’t give it chance? I know I’m not the only person out there who’s not happy. But I am happy in my dreams so I guess making more of them come true will in turn make me happy. But it’s just a theory. Sunsets & moonrises, cows jump gates and rooster sleep so I go cow tipping and chase birds that can’t fly. Some days will be brighter than baby’s smiles but other can be grayer that hairs on an ole woman head. But I know the sun will come tomorrow. It may be next week or year but nothing lives in dark ice ages forever. I may have a drought every now and then but I will never have a dessert. It may take you to the end of the world/ too new worlds but I will find mine, will you find ours? ur Happiness...