And Then There Was Me

I sit back and wonder. I ponder. I wish. Now looking back on my map seeing all of the road blocks, construction, detours, do not enters and wrong way signs, merge, 1way streets, ice, subject to flooding, low clearance, accidence ahead. But I also see where I when off road without a gps. I took a lot of bad weather along with many long roads without ever seeing the short cut signs. I now will think of my life in acoustic. Find answers thru my past. You just will never know how good you got it until it’s gone. I look back to understand. I embrace me knowledge. My insecurity controls me. I allow it to take my sense and maturity hostage. Sometimes everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together or in place. Ignorance is never cute. Sometimes that autophobia kicks in but I try to just let it be. But after all, I spend most of my time alone anyway. I look within when I’m solitude and live in my compassion/heart. There I see life and its beauty. Never touching it cause it’s too fragile and will rub off. However I search deeper. Frustration builds and over takes my dreams. Nothing ever goes my way. Sure didn’t in 1995 and not going in 2043. I watch films and footage of me. Movies, some funny as hell others sad. I want to comprehend but it’s a lot to take in. I know life isn’t perfect, only those days when I lived in dreams of that sugar and spice with everything nice. But I wish that I saw some of the opportunities that where in front me. I have come down from the land of make-believe, and I have found the strength to believe in me. Right now I’m on the brink of falling over the edge. Trying not to take a step too far, being cautious, right now I’m walking on the ledge. Blind folded at that. Where is my pot at the end of the rainbow? I watched the world through a blacked-out window, and saw no sun. I see others happy wishing I was them. But I try to treasure what I have and feelings I didn’t get. I try and balance my bowl spinning on a 20 foot pole. But I guess like snakes I must shed my scales and skin. So I do. I End my innocence due to life and people in it. I force my soul into a life or death match. I watch but I am looking in a mirror, but all I can see is me, trying to be what I want to be instead of what I really am.