Sign

I sit here on lonely Ave and broken heart street. I fail on hard times. Not looking for spare change. Don’t need clothes. I’m a little bang up & thrashed but it’s only due to time. People gaze but don’t really see me. They see the sign but don’t interpret it. Day behind day I sit here and wait for a person to respond but my calls are the same as a phone that rings on silent. Years have passed and still nothing fresh or new. I ask this couple that passes by if they have any luck to spare. But I’m deliberately over looked. Well that was better than being spit on like last week. I’ve investigate my whole heart but I didn’t uncover any in there. But I’m truthfully on my last. Wish some1 would notice me. Excuse me miss, she smile and tells she can’t help me. I smile back because she brightens up the day for me. I tell her thanks. She turns and asks why? I answer, that was the best gift I’ve received in a long time. She had a bamboozled look on her face but she understood and told me she wished me the best. I smile and thanked her for her blessings. I then got a flash back of the day when I lost it. The very moment when I took it for granted, went too far. I dropped onto my knees, showed gratitude and cried in vein. I just want to feel it again. I know there’s no turning back, no rearrangement. That’s when I was changed. I’m letting go, waking up and living up to what I had proposed. But I learned from my mistakes. It’s not something you earned but something that you deserve. I’m not afraid to give what my soul expose just wish I could find the film. I had it before, it was everything I fantasizes and better than the preview. I reach out with every breath but the world places my soundtrack on mute. I still sit here on this corner with my sign, why does the world of people with 20/20 act so blind. I know 1 thing if I fall to the ground I will get back up and fight another round. I will promise to hold this sign to the sweet end. My Sign that says “I will work for love”. I will work for love over time, all my life. Can u help me? Can u see…. Did you read my sign?

Me

Dear Mother,

When it was time 2 create Sean Felix Rahmings(SFR), God went wild wit his imagination & blessed me wit many gifts. Any who…It’s hard to put me on paper but ill try & so far Webster hasn’t found a word 2 sum me up wit or describe me 2 the T. Just know I am high on da food chain. Born the 27th day of the month December N the year of 1987 A.C. the World was forever changed. Many don’t know that our blood aint the same. But she did all the work in life. I love her like a son should love it's mother. The other….well’ she just that well, "E.T. in my world/life" only to give me a bad history for me to tell another about my brothers. Sad but that’s what I have to tell in a paragraph in the book of Sean Felix Rahmings biography. I grew up spoiled and not afraid to say it. I had sisters that would protect me from beatins in the hallway. I love theses memories from my passed and smile when I think about it. The day when life was simple and not filled with worries.
My mother raised me and I would love to have a girl like her with my ring on her finger. You gave me so much and I didn’t realize until I got out of the nest. I didn’t understand until now in my life. I thank every memory that I have from you. I love you and always will. Im thankful for everything u gave me. I never knew how good I had until it was gone. Many days good were I wished I could good back. I will miss you, and always will if that day come when u are callin to go live with happy place angels in a better without people be killed on the street in Miami. This day came really close with the whole cancer that. Yea that hitted me real hard. I lived thinkin that u will always be there. God really open my eyes. The moments when I took you granted I thought I knew everything about life and not know shit. It really came back and bite me in the ass. I never ever saw u able to die. I love you.
I never want you to leave me. I don’t want become lost in my life. You only get 1 and that’s it. I never wat to see zero’s. I need my queen to be in my life. I want everything to come true. Like when you told me that u will be there to see my First children, Me get married, Me ask her to marry me, The day I get my diploma from florida a & m. how you always will be there. I want u too. I know that in life that people don’t just stay the same age other and other and everyday. I see it when I look in the mirror. How my body is changing around me making me into a man. I hope u see these days when it will be at my happiness and blissful moments. Cause I now see the darkest moment in my life and prepare me the others that will follow.
With every up comes an equal down. Nothing in life in free. I remember everything u said and tell me. all your wisdom. Thanks for the pass-age. If not one even me believe in myself u was always on my side. I love for all of this. I appreciate everything thing ill learned. From both good and bad. I want you to always know that know body will take the love that I share with u but 1 hopefully will get close. But I love you and always will. Thanks for everything. You did have to deal with me. and my eyes are not always goin to open in the morning. Just want you to know where I stand. This 20 yr ole version of your baby. like you told me how I will always be your baby boy, that I feel with I say you will always be my momma. I love you, Sean

Reset

Rest -

There was a race. Out of 700 Billion I won. I swam thru that dark tunnel the fastest. I was the strongest out of the rest. I make it to the egg and now I stand before you. That was my first struggle and test. From that moment my life began. Test after Test. Lesson after Lesson. I passed so far & up until now. When I didn’t get it right away I was given another chance. So what if. The question a lot of people hate to be asked. But really What if or more like ever wonder when will u run out of these “1 more chances” Shouldn’t u run out of these last chances? So when is that Last chance? So here’s the question. One chance, what if this is your last chance. God is giving u this last chance at the moment. What are you going to do with it? Last 24 hrs to live….what are you going to do? How are you going to think? What changes would you try to make. Why not make them now? Treat every day as if it was your last chance. I have a role to play out and until I reach the end I shall continue to act out my part. I didn’t have to wake up this morning. Last night when I was on face book, that could have been my last moment but I woke up so I guess there is still work left for me. Work undone. I’m asking for directions to the house but I don’t know where I am right now, so how can you help me find my way? Self deception. I can’t keep lying to myself. How can god help me find my way when I can’t tell him where I am? I’m human and I have sinned. Gotta make some changes. Gotta do it before it’s too late. So this is where I hit that reset button and try to make everything right. I’m right handed anyway so it only makes sense. I know I’m not the only one with issues …. I may have magazines but I try to make the best of everything. So I end with this….. Nothing is promised only this moment.

Sean Vs Shawn: Final Chapter(Its Only a War Within)

look i wrote this because of events that are taking and have taken place in my life. Hopeful if u read this ull understand and maybe relate to what im saying. so this is New Emotional Note. u just mite feel me....

Brawl to the death. Cage match. Someone is going to breathe that last breath. Another mile marker in my existence. A Personal battle within. For others it’s pretty effortless but for me it’s a task beyond any calculation with a far distance. I’ve been able to triumph over everything but this. I was given the option of weapons but I didn’t accept any on the list. I’m artistic with my hands, why would I down them with a gun or other crap, I have other plans. I’m going to be a man about mine. I hype myself up. I attempt to put everything to the side, I clear my mind. I get psychologically/emotionally prepared, and pray on the matter. I pray for me and my foe/opponent just a tatter. I wait for that moment, not anxious, nervous or vexed and worried or hurried. Not frightened or afraid. It’s been a long time coming. Sweat running down my leg. The Vein in my forehead growing and showing. I’m ready. There’s no turning back. The hardest battle is the 1 against a person who you share everything in common with. How can you take life of a person who knows you like the back of your hand? I grew up with him, shared worlds with him. He knows my playbook? I guess it’s fair. Naw I rephrase that, is fair. I look up at the clock. Its 12:27. In my eye is Am, but his Pm. Time sure knows how to stall when there’s fatal death in the air. I greet this chopped and screwed time warp. My eyes are focus, not blinking. Just doing a play by play of my intended target getting eradicated. No time for uncertainties & doubts. Sigh. That instant is here. Time to clock in. Hope I don’t clock out. This is where I will paint my history. Create footsteps too big for a giant to fill. They will be ordered & cemented, permanently in sand for eternity. I hear the crowd’s growl & roar and feel the passion & intensity. Blood pressure normal, heart rate still at ease. “It’s only the whole human race watching.”Like honey worker bees. Everyone is here along with those from my past, even those who died. Every person I ever crossed paths. The entire world I lived in was going to watch this pay-per-view match. UFC. I cross between the 1st and 2nd ropes. I cross the threshold and enter the ring. I stand before my rival. Look him dead in the eye. All the audio is fading into a mute and my body blocks out all sound from the outside. I only hear the pitch of a bell. Freedom’s bell. It begins. But…..How do I fight a mirror? This is my Personal Battle. 1 side lives the first-class the other lives the horrific. Twins. I must overcome this evil that seems to overpower my greatness. Makes the simplest of things hard. I can’t do anything; he just wants me to fail. But this chapter has come to its conclusion and closing stage. No more being afraid to ask questions or being scared of no’s and rejections. No more waste & exhausted time, stuck in a standstill in my life. No more just sitting there with an opinion not heard. No more letting niggas get to me, or downing me. Not standing up for myself. I only had a lot of little things. But that was the problem; it was so many that they caught up with me and now out shine me. Well dim my light. I will believe in me, the good. I shall beat this trial. Your never know what’s under a smile or shirk. Many may look at me and say I have a big perfect smile but under Neath lies a equal nevertheless opposite story. A war, A personal battle. U may ask but I won’t tell. But I will type. I’m the only 1 who can fix what was broken. No1 else. By that I shall I grow. Inside me lives a person who’s 8’10. Time to bring him out, and silence that bitch ass elf. Sean Vs Shawn……A Personal battle, A War With-End.

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